37 success

birthdays always make me confused. a little depressed and a little excited. a little stressed and very loved. cynical and giddy. at least there's cake.

the depressed part is almost silly. aging is completely normal, natural and it beats the alternative. my grandmother's 91 so genetically i've got some sort of advantage. in my short time on this planet i've had many amazing adventures including traveling by myself and moving to another country in the name of love.

right now i'm sitting here typing in a bright white sulphur laden clay mask, one of those seen on tv acne medications advertised by b-list hollywood celebrities and teen pop stars.

yes, it works wonders. but why at almost 37 (on thursday), do i still get pimples?

even better, i'm starting to see the "signs of aging" on my blemish ridden face. it's like the ad for oil of olay -- pimples and crows feet? yes, both. it's strange. at least i have good makeup. and that's most likely a bit of the problem. that and my near constant companion stress. for some reason i was pimple free in st lucia. tan, relaxed and no ugly bumps. i've got to drink more water. as if that's a fail-safe cure.

of course, i'm still a hairy beast. i wish i would have discovered waxing sooner. but i'll be damned if i start waxing my arms. the way i see it, i'd have to wear long sleeves in the summer as the mess grows out. no thanks.

funny, but this year, for the first time i can remember in years, i'm not depressed about my weight or body. i think i'm looking damn good as i approach the age of the cougar. i do weigh more than i think i should but muscle is heavier than fat and my clothes are fitting better.

size-wise i'm still all over the map -- am i an XS, S, M? a 4, 6, 8? who knows? not even the clothing manufacturers. i'd love to shop, but it's that in between season where you can only buy spring/summer clothes but even though spring is the 21st, there is no way to wear any of that stuff for another few months.

on the working out front, i've been a bit sloppy about diet and exercise the past 2 weeks. i've had a couple more cookies this week than i ought to. still hitting the gym regularly but my mind has often been elsewhere.

today i hope that a run will clear the cobwebs and put things in perspective.

all things said, i have little in my own life to be depressed about. i am worrying about a friend who is having some health issues, but i'm trying to stay positive about it and help her stay positive.

i'm damn lucky. counting my blessings puts it in perspective.

i am fortunate to have achieved a major career goal i set for myself year ago.

i have a career that i can honestly say i love, even in its most difficult moments.

i have a talent that is something that gives me great pleasure.

that's all me and no one can take any of it away.

i have a loving husband, who's amazing, patient, funny, joyous and creative. i love him dearly even though he frequently drives me crazy. he can't help it. it's something he enjoys immensely. but i guess after 10 years i must drive him crazy too.

i have a bulldog who is the most wonderful pet i could have ever imagined. she has the biggest heart i have ever seen in any creature. and all of her funny sounds (burping, farting, snoring, snorting, yawning, sighing) make me laugh. a little shadow, she's gotta be everywhere we are. it is a pleasure to ghostwrite her blog and imagine her observations.

i have great friends, even though i feel like i don't have that many. i do have many acquaintences who probably count me as a friend and even though i don't feel i can count on them, they know they can count on me.

i have a family that i've managed to make peace with. hopefully they realize that i didn't do any of the things i've done to hurt them in any way. it's just been me being me. and i can't change that or their reactions to me.

i still can't spell, but that doesn't mean i won't stop trying. happy birthday to me.