37 success

birthdays always make me confused. a little depressed and a little excited. a little stressed and very loved. cynical and giddy. at least there's cake.

the depressed part is almost silly. aging is completely normal, natural and it beats the alternative. my grandmother's 91 so genetically i've got some sort of advantage. in my short time on this planet i've had many amazing adventures including traveling by myself and moving to another country in the name of love.

right now i'm sitting here typing in a bright white sulphur laden clay mask, one of those seen on tv acne medications advertised by b-list hollywood celebrities and teen pop stars.

yes, it works wonders. but why at almost 37 (on thursday), do i still get pimples?

even better, i'm starting to see the "signs of aging" on my blemish ridden face. it's like the ad for oil of olay -- pimples and crows feet? yes, both. it's strange. at least i have good makeup. and that's most likely a bit of the problem. that and my near constant companion stress. for some reason i was pimple free in st lucia. tan, relaxed and no ugly bumps. i've got to drink more water. as if that's a fail-safe cure.

of course, i'm still a hairy beast. i wish i would have discovered waxing sooner. but i'll be damned if i start waxing my arms. the way i see it, i'd have to wear long sleeves in the summer as the mess grows out. no thanks.

funny, but this year, for the first time i can remember in years, i'm not depressed about my weight or body. i think i'm looking damn good as i approach the age of the cougar. i do weigh more than i think i should but muscle is heavier than fat and my clothes are fitting better.

size-wise i'm still all over the map -- am i an XS, S, M? a 4, 6, 8? who knows? not even the clothing manufacturers. i'd love to shop, but it's that in between season where you can only buy spring/summer clothes but even though spring is the 21st, there is no way to wear any of that stuff for another few months.

on the working out front, i've been a bit sloppy about diet and exercise the past 2 weeks. i've had a couple more cookies this week than i ought to. still hitting the gym regularly but my mind has often been elsewhere.

today i hope that a run will clear the cobwebs and put things in perspective.

all things said, i have little in my own life to be depressed about. i am worrying about a friend who is having some health issues, but i'm trying to stay positive about it and help her stay positive.

i'm damn lucky. counting my blessings puts it in perspective.

i am fortunate to have achieved a major career goal i set for myself year ago.

i have a career that i can honestly say i love, even in its most difficult moments.

i have a talent that is something that gives me great pleasure.

that's all me and no one can take any of it away.

i have a loving husband, who's amazing, patient, funny, joyous and creative. i love him dearly even though he frequently drives me crazy. he can't help it. it's something he enjoys immensely. but i guess after 10 years i must drive him crazy too.

i have a bulldog who is the most wonderful pet i could have ever imagined. she has the biggest heart i have ever seen in any creature. and all of her funny sounds (burping, farting, snoring, snorting, yawning, sighing) make me laugh. a little shadow, she's gotta be everywhere we are. it is a pleasure to ghostwrite her blog and imagine her observations.

i have great friends, even though i feel like i don't have that many. i do have many acquaintences who probably count me as a friend and even though i don't feel i can count on them, they know they can count on me.

i have a family that i've managed to make peace with. hopefully they realize that i didn't do any of the things i've done to hurt them in any way. it's just been me being me. and i can't change that or their reactions to me.

i still can't spell, but that doesn't mean i won't stop trying. happy birthday to me.

slowing down

for the first time in a long time, i am having a 100% work-free weekend. (well, except for my timesheet which i'll do later this afternoon.) yesterday we did fun shopping and browsing, had coffee and went out last night. we actually went on a date. in fact, the whole day felt like a date.

and today it's a rainy, lazy sunday. i slept in until 9 when the bulldog came to wake me up. ate a nice breakfast that the husband made. did a little bit of online browsing while he watched his renovation shows.

gonna head off to the gym for a run and see if i can do better than yesterday's 4 miles in 45 minutes run. my bum is a little bit sore from it, but that's a good thing. it felt amazing though i didn't look pretty when it was done. (i am a sweaty girl when i work out.) strapping the ipod to my arm makes it really fun – i like anticipating the songs that come next on my funky singles mix. it's a great playlist for running -- there's old school, hip hop, electronica, a bit of this and a dash of that. i just have to make sure that i don't sing out loud and annoy everyone else in the "cardio theatre". sheesh. why they call it that, i don't know. it's just a row of treadmills, a row of bikes and a row of ellipticals and steppers.

it's a fairly unremarkable sunday, but for me, that's what's remarkable about it. it feels like a vacation, which is weird since it's just a weekend. but i haven't had a weekend like this in a long, long time. and the birds are singing since the weather is tricking them into thinking it's spring. another sign of spring: the husband is thinking about renovations. he may be finallly building a door for our master bathroom today.

speaking of renovations, this week was a weird one because of one. we're having our bathroom renovated for a tv show. monday and tuesday were surreal with a house full of camera, lights, PAs and craft services. it was really fun though and i'm anxious to see the results of the reno as well as the show. they will be in the house on the 21st, 24th and 27th with our reveal filmed on the 27th. look surprised! and supposedly the show's on in april.

at the same time as the show, i was working on a pitch at work. nothing like a little stress to liven things up and keep the blood pressure high. stayed up til 4 am on wednesday and got 1 1/2 hrs of sleep since i had a personal training appointment. not fun. let's just say it was a day that felt like 10. beyond that the week flew by. the personal problem was not so bad. in fact, things seem to be adjusting themselves which makes my life a lot easier. i just have to keep an eye on it.

time to head off for the gym. better get changed. maybe i can keep this relaxing feeling going all week...

breathing/balancing

feeling much better today -- finally. went for a good run, the first good long run in a couple of weeks. thanks to advil cold and sinus i could breathe pretty well during it. and after 50 minutes, i was seriously bodybuilder sweaty. hopefully i grossed out the gym bunnies.

the cold (running nose, stuffiness, plenty of snot) is still lingering. i am amazed at the amount of snot that my nose can produce. i know why i'm still sick: it has been very stressful at work and i haven't been sleeping as well as i would like. some (like the husband) would say that i care way too much. maybe so, but i really want to do a good job.

these days, i'm able to concentrate more on my new job and i'm learning lots of new skills as a result. some of them are kind of unpleasant because they are personnel related. i'm grateful to learn, however, it would be a lot better to learn these skills a little bit later in the year, at a time when things aren't so crazy.

oh well, it's not like i have a choice. and unfortunately, i have had very little time for writing as much as i'd like.

but today i got my writing wish. i'm working on work (which i have to get done because i've put it off for too long), my personal writing and some semi-fun pro-bono stuff which i can get to later if i need to. plus, i'm part of a pitch that's happening very early on wednesday am. in the meantime, i'm waiting on other people to be able to do my part which is fine, except that i'm not in the office tomorrow. they'd better get on it before 5...

believe it or not, i feel like i am doing a better job with staying more balanced between work and everything else. i'm trying to not let work invade my brain 24-7. it's hard, but i'm trying. it feels like such a big part of my life sometimes that it just seems to take over.

so today while i ran, i just enjoyed the music and the feeling of running rather than stressing about work and all the stuff that's really beyond my control. it's probably why i had such a good run.